“I want to become so lost in experience that I forget myself. I’ve always got things to think about, lots to do, it saves me from being in the moment. Something in me doesn’t want to face the moment, because it thinks it’s missing out, it’s going to miss something. Like needing to watch movies, or social networking, browsing endlessly on the web, channel surfing even though I can’t find anything I care about. I like to think that if I would just go home at night and sit in the dark, be quiet, stay away from the endless
electronic chatter, that I’d be calmer, happier. But when it’s that time, I find myself doing the same old same old, because I feel that I’m going to miss something. That if I watch the movie, browse the web, I’ll have done something. It’s the same way with thinking. I don’t like to just walk along, or just sit and be empty of reaction. Something in me wants to be thinking, thinking, thinking all the time because it’s so afraid it’s going to miss something by being quiet. It’s really strange, I think my mind is like a sort of buzz ball of static, trying to assert itself and stay alive, rather than letting what’s essential, my inner self, come forth and grow. “
If the above statement rings a bell for you, you’ve begun the big battle, the war of the selves. The inner fight between the outer and inner man. This is a huge step on the path, for it shows we’ve come to realize that the battle is within, not with circumstance or others, but with ourselves.
This buzz ball, the mind of static and habit, is opposed to our essence. It is all a matter of identification: what do I see I am? If you’re identified with the buzz ball, then you have to think, plan, do, be nervous, think you’re missing out all the time. If you’re identified with Essence, then experience doesn’t have to be so regulated or enticed. It’s just your awareness of existence, and what creates it, that matters. You simply enjoy watching whatever it is that’s there.
Then, words such as those in the Serenity Prayer take on meaning, for we begin to see we may not be the doer after all, but an observer who has very little to do with what’s going on in the play of our lives.
Lord, grant me
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.