Buzz Ball or Essence?

“I want to become so lost in experience that I forget myself.  I’ve always got things to think about, lots to do, it saves me from being in the moment. Something in me doesn’t want to face the moment, because it thinks it’s missing out, it’s going to miss something.  Like needing to watch movies, or social networking, browsing endlessly on the web, channel surfing even though I can’t find anything I care about. I like to think that if I would just go home at night and sit in the dark, be quiet, stay away from the endless

Observant Osprey
Observant Osprey

electronic chatter, that I’d be calmer, happier. But when it’s that time, I find myself doing the same old same old,  because I feel that I’m going to miss something.  That if I watch the movie, browse the web, I’ll have done something.  It’s the same way with thinking.  I don’t like to just walk along, or just sit and be empty of reaction.  Something in me wants to be thinking, thinking, thinking all the time because it’s so afraid it’s going to miss something by being quiet.  It’s really strange, I think my mind is like a sort of buzz ball of static, trying to assert itself and stay alive, rather than letting what’s essential, my inner self, come forth and grow. “

If the above statement rings a bell for you, you’ve begun the big battle, the war of the selves. The inner fight between the outer and inner man. This is a huge step on the path, for it shows we’ve come to realize that the battle is within, not with circumstance or others, but with ourselves.

This buzz ball, the mind of static and habit, is opposed to our essence. It is all a matter of identification: what do I see I am? If you’re identified with the buzz ball, then you have to think, plan, do, be nervous, think you’re missing out all the time.  If you’re identified with Essence, then experience doesn’t have to be so regulated or enticed.  It’s just your awareness of existence, and what creates it, that matters. You simply enjoy watching whatever it is that’s there.

Then, words such as those in the Serenity Prayer take on meaning, for we begin to see we may not be the doer after all, but an observer who has very little to do with what’s going on in the play of our lives.

Lord, grant me
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.

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Brain Fog 2

Another thing hidden by the brain fog is the dual aspect of our machine and its life. Our lives are largely the process of a machine generating energy, like a treadmill. The dual motion of two pistons, action and reaction, experience and experiencer, hooked to a central drive shaft, is transferring our energy away. We can see this by observing how we spend much more energy in our lives than is necessary to simply get by. We lead mechanical lives of dissipation, which are not of our own making, but from the states of mind we have bought into.  We are hooked up to the treadmill in the rat race, and in our personal emotional lives as well. Our emotional reactions to our spouses, our parents, our careers, whatever belief system we bought into, drives the machine, takes away our energy, and we never question it.  We can never solve this problem from its own level. The harder we push, the harder too are we pushed back. We think that we know what we’re doing, that we want what we want. It’s all being forced upon us, until we begin to question it.


This questioning takes a certain amount of courage, and trauma perhaps, but in the end run it saves a lot of energy.  We have to be able to face the fact that we do not want to question ourselves, our very beliefs, our sacred cows at whose altars we pray.  Our defenses automatically jump up whenever anyone else calls us on it, keeping our ego and the system of belief safe.

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Brain Fog – States of Mind

In this modern technological age, we can see there is a noticeable disconnect between the online social networking world, and the factual world of our real actions. This  can be seen too in the gap between the computer program generated weather reports and the actual weather.  These examples help to show how the reactive ideas we  automatically believe about physical events can and do become real in and of themselves. We take the computer or brain model for being the actual reality.  The weather reports are no longer directly about the weather, they’re about the computer program.  You can see this in all walks of life.  Businessmen take their business beliefs as their model and can become disconnected from what’s actually going on in the day to day world of the real business.  We develop a brain fog,  a sticky mass made up of visualizations and patterns in our head that are formed from reactive experience, coupled with wishful thinking, along with a good dose of desire and fear. They’re mixed thoroughly to create and projcet a pattern we take to be reality.  We then project or force this onto the environment and further reinforce the pattern. It has no direct link to reality but is actually a mixed up mess of associations, often disconnected from what we would see if we could see clearly.

The innocence of the child can clear up this brain fog by enabling us to look around with a different seeing, one that doesn’t rely solely on the computer model, but which relies on what we’re actually witnessing in our  day-to-day experience without a forced projection.  The computer models become the reality and the weather man forgets to look out the window to check the forecast.  He may even refuse to refine the program in order to bring it more in line with the real weather, as that could affect his pride, his boss, or the bureaucracy, and put a damper on his career.  This creates a separate force, holding us in a fairyland of belief, rather than basing what we’re doing on what we actually see.  The clearing of the fog is by the sunshine that comes from the child, from the innocence.

Foggy Morning
Foggy Morning

States of mind can be the central revolving factor in our life. Our individual state of mind causes all our beliefs and our actions to spring forth, and we never question it.  Instead of questioning our state of mind and trying to see what’s really going on, we try and force the belief system of our current state of mind onto the world, by attempting to change the world to fit the state of mind.  All of our problems and their solutions spring from the state of mind, as well.  This can be seen very easily in others, when you see that their state of mind is really not their own, but comes from someone else, it’s inherited. They can’t see this.  They think it is their own unique individual thinking.  It revolves around getting rid of the tensions we allow to be placed on us through these same states of mind.  We dump on other people or the world to get these tensions off our back, which is only a temporary solution.  The real solution would be to question the state of mind, and see where the tensions are really coming from.

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Experience is Binding

“Experience is binding” – Bob Cergol

You watch a movie, then notice the next day while you’re working, the movie has your inner movie working along trying to hash it out. The experience of watching the movie is taken by the mind as being real and therefore has to be worked out as if it happened.  This is just like working four or five hard shifts, and then taking two days off for the mind to quiet down and process the mess.  The experience is binding. If you are the type with a very strong personality and mind that are outward oriented, you never get a break from it, you try to still control it all, so that you can win.  This means that the experience is binding to you and you can’t drop it.

The last statement shows why isolations, times spent alone, are so important.  If you spend enough time out of pressing experiences, the inner movie starts to die down and you get a little breathing room.  This could scare you half to death if you’re the type that’s identified with the inner movie, it would feel as if you’re losing your rich inner life.  You don’t want quiet or stillness because that threatens that sense of self, or the self as it is and relates to the ego identified with the inner movie.  If you sit long enough in the quiet, this sense of self gets threatened, you want to rush back into experience in order to regain that feeling of self, of life from drama.

Today’s social networking provides a sense of self to many, keeping Facebook and Twitter in business.  It provides an effective escape from fear of loss of self, and sadly, from facing the Truth about what we really are.  Isolations are important because they show us this inner movie, and the broad extent of its power over us. Quiet time spent alone reveals our inner self through the process of allowing the play and drama of modern life and its character-self to wind down.

quiet time alone
quiet time alone
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The process of contracting the attention to improve reception, followed by a period of relaxation for it all to bring fruit:

We have to have a contraction of our attention from the manifested world, to save our energy and create an aim and direction; simplify our life. But at some point the danger is this contraction could become the search in itself and an end in itself rather than just part of the means.  The contraction has to be given up(actually, it’s removed) for a total relaxation, once the contraction has done its work.  In other words, once we find that thinking and planning and doing in our practice have come to a dead end, then we have to give it up once we’ve hit the wall beyond which our mind cannot go, and allow the inner relaxation, so that we can receive.

First, we contract or withdraw our energy and attention to make the machine efficient and gain a vector and direction to get surely headed in the right way. Then, at some point there has to be complete inner relaxation, because the contraction of itself can’t give us the answer, the answer has to come from within through the relaxation. We get out of our own way. We must allow ourselves to receive, once we have improved the receiving mechanism: the intuition.

I've got my eye on you
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Hello Everyone!

Welcome to the first post of the Mystic Missal blog.

I’ve decided to gather up whatever brain cells remain, and enter the wild world of blogging.  I’ll be posting thoughts and photos every few days, and hope to generate interest and inquiry along the lines of  self-discovery.

As soon as the next Missal Newsletter comes out, hopefully this Friday, I’ll post some musing along the lines of inquiring minds.


Bob Fergeson


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to distribute and preserve practical esoteric knowledge to help lead the serious seeker to a change of being.