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Pride and Fear, the Curse of Alienation

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       When one begins the process of looking at oneself, many hitherto unknown facets of personality begin to appear. At first we may wish to think the meditative process itself has created these behavior patterns, but soon enough we come to see that our previous state of sleep was greater than we wished to admit.   If we keep at our practice long enough, we will begin to see that certain states of mind are behind the newly discovered patterns, and may be shocked to discover our true motives in day-to-day-life. When these facts come to light, the first reaction may be to sort the behaviors into good and bad categories, and then set ourselves to the grim task of removing the negative while accenting the good.  In other words, the ego will start a campaign of behavior-modification meant to bring us closer to ‘perfection’.  Actually this is nothing new, having been going on since birth, but the new found level of awareness gives the ego a new sense of cleverness.  It’s going to outwit itself this time, for sure.


When we begin to see the underlying motivation for a negative pattern of behavior is, say, pride, we can hardly resist wanting to counter it by creating a projection of humility or altruism.  If we are honest, we may see through this, but be left

Pride and Fear
Pride and Fear

wondering if there is another solution. Renewed effort in the form of continued self-observation may take us to the next step. The pride itself could be just an effect, a compensation for an underlying state of fear. As we continue with our observing, we may come to wonder if there is ever an end to all this, if the root cause of our aberrant behavior can be found.  If we persevere, we eventually come to the root cause of the fear, a feeling of alienation, the battle of the self with the not-self, the mistaken belief that we are a separate thing.  This thing, or body/mind, lives in constant opposition with what it sees as other separate things. The universal has become lost in the particular and forgotten itself. This unnatural situation brings about the sense of anxiety and fear underlying most of our lives.

 


What now? Here we find ourselves head to head with our very sense of survival, where no ego effort can help. By looking within long enough, we may come to the door of awareness, and with grace and luck, find ourselves beyond the mind.  From this new awareness, we come to see the former belief in separateness to be, as John Wren-Lewis puts it, ‘some kind of inflation or hyperactivity of the psychological survival-system’.  We will also come to see the futility in putting new and improved patterns of behavior in compensation for any negative ones.  The old Zen warning against putting a new head on top of the one we already have comes to mind.


All negative patterns of behavior can be traced back to the ‘I am the body’ idea, the feeling of alienation.  Our natural state has no sense of separateness, for it contains all.  Trying to fix an ego problem with an ego effort is doomed to failure, for as Wren-Lewis again states, ‘the underlying universal consciousness, with its every-present-moment happiness, peace and wonder, gets shut out ”.  True peace can only come from our true self, or universal awareness. The body/mind will then continue to function, but in a sane manner, without the inflated ego-sense as master.


The effort of self-observation is the revealing of the false. Our true nature will remain, and as such, needs no modification.  All we can do is to follow the old adage for crossing a busy road: look and listen. If we can see something, anything, it’s not us. In this manner we can come to see we do not exist, yet Are, and Life can become a wonderful thing.


Bob Fergeson

 

 

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The Eternal Child Within – The Puer

” The Child and the Presence are the same one Presence and It is right here where we are, transcending this world’s time and space.” – Willam Samuel

Samuel was a man who learned his lessons through fire and suffering, and later put them to the test in everyday life, and found them true. He speaks directly to the Heart of the listener in a forceful and simple manner, leading them to recognize that their own intuition is the surest path to the Inner Child.

Holocene by Bon Iver from Secretly Jag on Vimeo.

“The Child of Light and Love is the pathfinder, the guide, the wayshower up the mighty mountain in Kwangse Province. Science, religion and philosophy can take us a great distance, but the Child takes us to Dominion. It is absolutely essential that we actually get in touch with the eternal Child.” – William Samuel


For more on Samuel’s work, visit http://www.mysticmissal.org/william_samuel.htm

For ordering his books and tapes, visit http://www.williamsamuel.com/

 

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Poems of John Davis

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To hear John Davis read his poems is like being exposed to the soul of the man. He felt that through poetry and oration, he could “talk directly to your nervous system; not your cerebral hemispheres,” and lead one to an intuitive understanding of their part in the universe.

 

Le Service Del Graal

He, who would read my works, know me entire.
Are you beyond guilt, regret and desire?
Resolved to do whate’er God may require?
He, who is near to me, is near the fire.

Pursuing true Self, higher and higher.
Your life to stand as Truth’s indemnifier.
To be the People’s great simplifier.
He, who is near to me, is near the fire.

Being your own judge and crucifier.
Endless, inner trial by that judge of ire.
Pain for mortal things, your purifier.
He, who is near to me, is near the fire.

No charted ways, no rest, no time to tire.
Alone, always alone, your Quest transpire.
Your death alone, your life’s sanctifier.
He, who is near to me, is near the fire.

 

The Lower Depths

I would not go where I have been,
Though earth’s foundations fled.
The lower depths of guilt and sin,
The land of the living dead.

There is a darkness not called night,
In the land of lost content.
There is a stillness not called rest,
Where the perished people went.

The Hawk, intrepid, from his nest,
On the dark, imperishable hill.
Implacable eyes, starless skies,
Stares down on the World of Will.

Don’t ask why, that you and I,
Must to Hell, and then come back.
God decrees just as He pleases.
Make or break! Play the Man! Act.

 

Agnosto Deo

I am the Voice of the Symbol!
Listen, all you who would know.
“Parsifal, Merlin and Wotan,
Wandering Jew and Negro.”

Of the old king who is suff’ring,
Wounded, but powerless to die.
Of the stone grave where the heroes,
Meet to plan ventures on high.

Aged old Child of the Mother.
Cleft spring where madmen must drink.
Lo! Heed the Voice of the Symbol.
Listen, don’t ask, and don’t think!

Now ends the Age of the Fishes,
Darkness, at war with the Light!
Pegasus brings Water Bearer,
Ridd’n by El Khidr, the Black Knight!

Khidr, the loner, the stranger.
Gog and Magog, he’ll defeat!
There on the plains, Armaggon,
Comforter, Self, you will meet.

Conscious redeemed by Unconscious.
Left side of brain by the right.
Secret of the Golden Flower.
Marriage of Day with the Night.

War not for me in a Vietnam!
Damn not another man’s sin!
Seek not for me in the Heavens!
I’m the still, small voice within!

 

 

John E. Davis II
July 12, 1933 – February 24, 1984

Like everybody, I have my struggles, but I now also have my joys; and the fire from those struggles—from the pain and the loss—burns away the dross from, and purifies the gold of life, and the gold of the soul. And so for several years now I have been trying to save what I can of that gold, so that when I die men and women will come to know how much I too have loved, and cherished life; how I have touched the earth, and gazed upon these hills—West Virginia—and dreamed at night of the many-billowed sea. So that they may know that I was not a stone or a beast, but a man, with a warm heart, and a soul honored and proud to be a part of the Family of Man.

February 23, 1984

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Can You Simply Observe?

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I’ve heard it said that all we need to do is observe, and this alone will take us to realization. Let’s take a look at this thing called observation and see what is meant.
First, lets break it down into observation, and self-observation.  By observation we can take to mean the observing of the view before us, by the ego or individual body/mind. A created thing watching its own creations, then adding to the mess by creating more reactions to that which it just ‘observed’.  By self-observation we can mean the observing, or listening to, the entire above mentioned process, without identifying with the secondary reaction.  We would then take in impressions through an observing ‘I”, a listening silence, which does not make judgements or assessments of that which it observes. It also has no ulterior motive, such as laziness or pride. I can’t see much use in looking at the first form, observation, if we mean looking outward through the senses at our behavior in the world, and forming opinions about what a good job of observing we’re doing, while the business of our life suffers for the effort. This may be good for those who have yet to venture outside their own imaginations, but for most it would be better to take a look within, at the strange and unfamilar workings of the inside of their own head.
A few points are in order here. One is that of honesty. We will not gain much if we twist or ignore certain observed facts to keep our beloved self-image intact. The ego is the enemy here, not our friend. Another is objectivity, and a little compassion. We do not wish to judge, condemn, praise or otherwise color the observations, but to see them and their patterns clearly.  Finally, we will need courage and earnestness to take the task to its final conclusion: our own internal death and consequent freedom.
The main point to remember and strive for, is not to get caught in the trick of not observing the present-time observer. Who was looking? What was it that made the observation? We must make complete observations, not just of the action but of the reaction as well. The ego can split itself endlessly and we may get deluded by our growing catalog of observations into thinking we’re making headway. Until we catch the devil in the act, we are only spinning about in the personality, endlessly creating more observers.
Let me see if I can illustrate how this trick works. Say you observe something about yourself, a faux pas in respected company, and realize you’ve been doing this for years, but were blissfully oblivious. You have observed the hereto unknown behavior, in real time, plus perhaps realized how it was a part of a long standing pattern. But did you observe your reaction, in real time, of the self you were observing with? In other words, say you were shocked at seeing this perhaps embarrassing thing about yourself. Did you include this in your observation?
The true observer, or silent witness, sees both the object, or observed behavior, and the corresponding subject, or observer, at the same time. Seeing both of these parts of the ego in real time, as they play their game of observer and observed, subject and object, can give you a taste of a deeper watcher, a seer which lies beyond the ego, on the doorstep of Eternity.

Can You Observe Yourself ?

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The Inner Ashram

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Inner Ashram
Inner Ashram

To find a still place within that’s free from the drama of the working world is paramount in our attempt to contact intuition and higher thinking. Once we move out of the patterns of mechanical thinking, we must also leave behind the emotional motivators that cause them, and instead allow the questioning and intent of our spiritual search to come forth. Mechanical thinking will continue to assert itself if we try to solve spiritual problems from the level of mechanical emotions. A vector towards inner truth is the path out of outer reactive tail chasing. We can’t win the battle for control of our thinking if we try from the realm of the battle itself. A higher realm is needed, one of higher emotion than found in the jungle of life.

If we find ourselves afraid to do something because we don’t want to face the emotional reaction the act brings comes up in ourselves, this is a clue that we’re buying into the false world of mechanical reaction.  We imagine how we will react when faced with another person or circumstance and cramp up, remembering how we may have mishandled it previously. We become afraid to do what we need to do, for the thoughts of other’s possible offences raises our defences, and avoiding the situation altogether is added to the mix as well. Fight or flight, the law of the jungle, becomes our only mode of thinking, and the residual emotions from it linger throughout the day, long after the events are over. By the time we get home, we’re full of the unconscious but active vibrations our mechanical upset has created, leaving us in a state of inner turmoil. No wonder week after week goes by, and our spiritual vector remains just below the level needed for dynamic action.

A recovering alcoholic learns quickly that he can no longer associate with his former so-called friends and their negative thought patterns, called “stinkin’ thinkin’ ” in AA. The same may be true for us. The circumstances of our karma and lives may not allow us the freedom of the ashram lifestyle with it’s quiet seclusion, but we can find a place within that gives solace and room to think. Just the humble acceptance of the above quandary will bring help into our soul, and show us the path to inner freedom. This calm mind that can allow our vector to assert itself is found when we drop the pattern of the false self and move into neutral territory long enough to let our defences down, and listen. Move within to a place where reaction is no more, and watchful listening prevails. There you may feel a longing for even more stillness, a faint remembrance of something better, whispering a direction home.

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Observing

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Osprey and Full Moon
Osprey and Full Moon

Learning to observe, or watch oneself without attachment, is so easy that most of us overlook it, thinking that we must need to be doing something more complicated.

Try a little experiment.Take your watch or a clock with a sweep second hand, and see how long you can watch the hand as it moves. Without thinking, just concentrate on observing the hand, without thoughts. Not very easy, eh, but so simple. If the thought comes “I’m watching the hand”, or if you find you’re trying to help it move by willing it, i.e. being the doer, or think, “What an idiot, I’m watching my watch!”, then you’ve lost the observer and are now creating a scene through visualization.
Now, find some task you perform as a habit, something simple you do everyday. Watch yourself as this task unfolds. If the thought comes, “I’m watching myself do this”, or “I’m watching myself, watching myself do this”, then you’ve lost the thread, and created another observer or self with which you become identified: the subject-object visualization trap. Just realize this, and go back to observing the scene, without a sense of involvement, even as the watcher. After you’ve had a bit of success with this, move on to something more complicated, and see if you can again observe the scene without the sense of the doer, or self.
Also, begin to remember what thoughts brought you out of the observer and back into identification, and what the hidden motivation was behind them. This free association, following the thoughts back to the desire or fear that caused the loss of the listening attention and brought back the sense of attachment, will show you your pattern. Then, go back to observing until the circle of distraction and loss of the listening attention spins around again.
Practice the above meditation for awhile, and put what you’ve found in clear, concise language.

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Brain Fog 2

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Another thing hidden by the brain fog is the dual aspect of our machine and its life. Our lives are largely the process of a machine generating energy, like a treadmill. The dual motion of two pistons, action and reaction, experience and experiencer, hooked to a central drive shaft, is transferring our energy away. We can see this by observing how we spend much more energy in our lives than is necessary to simply get by. We lead mechanical lives of dissipation, which are not of our own making, but from the states of mind we have bought into.  We are hooked up to the treadmill in the rat race, and in our personal emotional lives as well. Our emotional reactions to our spouses, our parents, our careers, whatever belief system we bought into, drives the machine, takes away our energy, and we never question it.  We can never solve this problem from its own level. The harder we push, the harder too are we pushed back. We think that we know what we’re doing, that we want what we want. It’s all being forced upon us, until we begin to question it.

Fog
Fog

This questioning takes a certain amount of courage, and trauma perhaps, but in the end run it saves a lot of energy.  We have to be able to face the fact that we do not want to question ourselves, our very beliefs, our sacred cows at whose altars we pray.  Our defenses automatically jump up whenever anyone else calls us on it, keeping our ego and the system of belief safe.

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Experience is Binding

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“Experience is binding” – Bob Cergol

You watch a movie, then notice the next day while you’re working, the movie has your inner movie working along trying to hash it out. The experience of watching the movie is taken by the mind as being real and therefore has to be worked out as if it happened.  This is just like working four or five hard shifts, and then taking two days off for the mind to quiet down and process the mess.  The experience is binding. If you are the type with a very strong personality and mind that are outward oriented, you never get a break from it, you try to still control it all, so that you can win.  This means that the experience is binding to you and you can’t drop it.

The last statement shows why isolations, times spent alone, are so important.  If you spend enough time out of pressing experiences, the inner movie starts to die down and you get a little breathing room.  This could scare you half to death if you’re the type that’s identified with the inner movie, it would feel as if you’re losing your rich inner life.  You don’t want quiet or stillness because that threatens that sense of self, or the self as it is and relates to the ego identified with the inner movie.  If you sit long enough in the quiet, this sense of self gets threatened, you want to rush back into experience in order to regain that feeling of self, of life from drama.

Today’s social networking provides a sense of self to many, keeping Facebook and Twitter in business.  It provides an effective escape from fear of loss of self, and sadly, from facing the Truth about what we really are.  Isolations are important because they show us this inner movie, and the broad extent of its power over us. Quiet time spent alone reveals our inner self through the process of allowing the play and drama of modern life and its character-self to wind down.

quiet time alone
quiet time alone
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Hello Everyone!

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Welcome to the first post of the Mystic Missal blog.

I’ve decided to gather up whatever brain cells remain, and enter the wild world of blogging.  I’ll be posting thoughts and photos every few days, and hope to generate interest and inquiry along the lines of  self-discovery.

As soon as the next Missal Newsletter comes out, hopefully this Friday, I’ll post some musing along the lines of inquiring minds.

Thanks

Bob Fergeson

egretmoon

to distribute and preserve practical esoteric knowledge to help lead the serious seeker to a change of being.